Do You Still Feel the Spark? Questions Worth Asking Each Other

Nothing to buy. Nothing to plan.

You found the right partner. Probably you knew it, or came to know it, over time. You've built a life together, or you're building one. There's trust and history and shared jokes.

And yet, sometimes, a quiet question surfaces: do we still feel the spark? Not "do we love each other", which may be beyond doubt. But do we still feel alive to each other? Do we still notice, wonder about and delight in each other?

It's a gentle, honest question, and it deserves to be asked gently and honestly. This article gives you thirty questions that can help, and a simple way of using them. You need no equipment, no plan and no special occasion. Just a quiet half hour, and a willingness to listen.

What "the spark" might mean

The word "spark" means different things to different people. For some it's physical attraction. For others it's playfulness, curiosity or a feeling of being fully seen. It might be the thrill of anticipation, or the ease of laughing together.

It's worth asking each other what it means to you. Your answers may differ, and that's useful information.

Relationship writers often point out that the early rush of a new relationship, driven by novelty and uncertainty, naturally changes over time. What remains can be deeper, but it needs some attention to stay vivid. Asking the questions below is one form of that attention.

How to use these questions

Set the scene

• Choose a calm time. Not when you're tired, hungry or in the middle of something.
• Phones away.
• Sit comfortably, side by side or facing each other. A walk works well too.
• Make tea, light a lamp, or choose a place that feels relaxed.

Agree on the rules

1. Take turns. One person answers, the other listens.
2. No fixing, no defending. Just hear.
3. No scoring. Don't use answers as ammunition later.
4. Pass is allowed. Either of you can skip a question.
5. Keep it kind. Honest doesn't mean harsh.

Pick three or four, not thirty

Don't try to work through the list in one sitting. Choose three or four that appeal, answer them in turn and stop. You can return to others another day.

For a structure you can use with these questions, see listening without fixing.

Questions about the spark itself

1. When did you last feel really alive with me?
2. What does "the spark" mean to you?
3. What was one moment recently when you felt close to me?
4. What do you miss from the early days, if anything?
5. What do you love about where we are now that we didn't have then?
6. If our relationship had a temperature right now, what would it be, and what would warm it?

Questions about attention

7. When do you feel most noticed by me?
8. When do you feel least noticed?
9. What small thing could I do this week to show I'm paying attention?
10. What's something about you that I may have stopped asking about?
11. What's something you've been wanting to tell me but haven't found the moment?

Questions about play and novelty

12. What's something you'd like us to try for the first time?
13. When did we last laugh until it hurt?
14. What's a silly thing we used to do that we could bring back?
15. What's a place, real or imagined, where you'd love to spend a day with me?
16. If we had a free day with no obligations, how would you like to spend it?

Questions about closeness and touch

17. What kinds of touch do you enjoy most?
18. When do you feel most relaxed with me?
19. Is there anything about how we are physically close that you'd like to change, in a gentle way?
20. What helps you feel safe enough to be vulnerable?

For more on this, see non-sexual touch in relationships.

Questions about the daily rhythm

21. What part of our day feels most connected?
22. What part feels most rushed or disconnected?
23. What's one habit of ours you'd like to keep forever?
24. What's one you'd like to change?
25. What do you need more of right now: time, rest, attention, fun, quiet?

Questions about the future

26. What are you looking forward to in the next year?
27. What do you want us to be doing in ten years?
28. What worries you about our future, if anything?
29. What would you like us to start, stop and keep doing?
30. What's one thing I could do or say that would make you feel deeply loved?

How to listen to the answers

The answers may surprise you. Some may be tender, some uncomfortable. A few reminders:

• Receive, don't react. Say "thank you for telling me" before anything else.
• Reflect back. "What I heard is that you miss laughing together."
• Ask one follow-up. "Tell me more about that."
• Don't take it personally. An answer like "I miss feeling noticed" is an invitation, not an accusation.
• Avoid immediate solutions. You can discuss changes later.
• Appreciate honesty. It takes courage to say something real.

After the conversation

Don't rush to resolve everything. A few ways to close:

• Share one thing you appreciated about the conversation.
• Choose one small action each, such as a walk this week, a phone-free dinner or a hand massage.
• Sit quietly together for a minute, holding hands.
• Schedule a follow-up, perhaps in a month.

For ideas to put into practice, see how to reignite the spark in a long-term relationship.

If the answers are hard

Sometimes a question reveals something difficult: loneliness, resentment, grief or doubt. That doesn't mean something is irreparably wrong. It means something real has been said, and that's valuable.

If you feel overwhelmed:

• Pause. Take a few slow breaths together.
• Return later. You don't have to resolve everything now.
• Seek support. A counsellor or couples therapist can help you work through deeper issues.

If there are signs of fear, control or abuse in your relationship, please contact local support services. These questions are for people who feel safe with each other.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal to lose the spark?

Many couples notice the early intensity changes over time, often because of routine, stress and busy schedules. It's common and doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong. Attention and shared experiences can help rebuild a sense of aliveness.

What if my partner doesn't want to answer?

Respect that. Offer to answer first, keep it light and make it clear that skipping is fine. You can also try writing answers on paper and exchanging them.

How often should we do this?

Once a month is plenty. A few questions at a time, in a relaxed setting, works better than a marathon.

What if our answers are very different?

That's useful information. Differences don't mean incompatibility. They show where each of you might need something different, and where you can be curious about each other.

Keep going

Put the answers to workHow to reignite the spark in a long-term relationship Understand the patternWhy the spark fades Practise listeningListening without fixing Hold each other's gazeEye gazing exercise for couples

A quiet invitation

Want a guided version, just the two of you?

Private one, two and three-day couples retreats on Sai Island, led by Arnold. Tell us about the two of you and which format interests you.

Ask about a couples retreat

These practices are shared as experience and are not medical or therapeutic advice. If you are unsure about anything, speak with a qualified professional.